Through Two Peepers in Tune with the Times

Don't Forward

1. Big companies don't do business via chain letters, and there are no computer programs that track how many times an e-mail is forwarded, let alone by whom. Bill Gates is not giving you $1,000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class action checks.

2. Proctor and Gamble is not part of a satanic cult or scheme, and its logo is not satanic.

3. MTV will not give you backstage passes if you forward something to the most people.

4. The Gap is not giving away free clothes. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true."

5. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hell bent on believing the kidney theft ring stories, see: http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories." None have. That's "none" as in "zero." Not even your friend's cousin.

6. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And if you don't, you can get a copy at: http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html Then, if you make the recipe and decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.

7. If the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain letter?

8. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, EVER forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm that an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with viruses. Try: http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html And even then, don't forward it. We don't care. And you cannot get a virus from email. You have to download it, like, a FILE! EVERYONE should know by NOW not to download ANYTHING unless you scan it FIRST! I don't care if it's from your mother!

9. There is no gang initiation plot to murder any motorist who flashes headlights at another car driving at night without lights.

10. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. Besides, if it has gone around that many times we've probably already seen it.

11. Craig Shergold (or Sherwood, or Sherman, etc.) in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is no longer a "little boy" either.

12. The "Make a Wish" foundation is a real organization doing fine work, but they have had to establish a special toll-free hot line in response to the large number of Internet hoaxes using their good name and reputation. It is distracting them from the important work they do. Also, the American Cancer Society does not give 3 cents for each person you forward e-mail to. They ask for you to donate money. They don't give it, as if they could know how many e-mails you sent out anyway.

13. If you are one of those insufferable people who forward anything that "promises" something bad will happen if you don't - then something bad will happen to you if I ever meet you in a dark alley.

14. Women really are suffering in Afghanistan, but forwarding an e-mail won't help their cause in the least. If you want to help, contact your local legislative representative or get in touch with Amnesty International or the Red Cross.

15. As a general rule, e-mail "signatures" are easily faked and mean nothing to anyone with any power to do anything about whatever the competition is complaining about.

16. KFC really does use real chickens (with feathers and beaks and feet). They really do. Why did they change their name? In this health-conscious world, what was KFC's old name? Kentucky Fried Chicken. FRIED is not healthy. So with the help of a focus group, they changed the name to KFC. It's short, doesn't offend dieters and is easy to remember.

17. Just because someone said in a message, four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit," does not actually make it true.

18. There is no bill before Congress that will allow long-distance companies to charge you for using the Internet. Composing e-mail or posting something on the Net is as easy as writing on the walls of a public rest room. Don't believe it until it's proven false. ASSUME it's false, unless there is credible proof that it's true.

Love,

Michael


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