Through Two Peepers in Tune with the Times


  • Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.
  • A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  • Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.
  • No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  • If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  • Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  • Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  • My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  • If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
  • Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
  • Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  • Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  • Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
  • There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  • Experience is a wonderful thing - it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  • By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  • I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.



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