Through Two Peepers in Tune with the Times
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- Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.
- No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
- Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- Experience is a wonderful thing - it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
- I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.