Through Two Peepers in Tune with the Times

New CBS TV Program

New CBS program: "Gay Survivor"

Here's the premise:

Fifteen gay males are put in a fabulous two-bedroom condo in South Beach. Each week they vote out one of the group until there is one survivor who will get a $1 million Gucci (by Tom Ford) shopping spree.

The 24 Rules:

1. No music by Madonna allowed.

2. Redecorating the apartment is allowed only once per week.

3. There is only one *rotary* phone line for all fifteen queens, and no call can last more than three minutes. Under no circumstances will cell phones be allowed.

4. The use of the terms "girlfriend," "sister," "bitch," "queen," "mary," or "honey"is NOT allowed.

5. Fresh flowers will only be delivered every two weeks.

6. Those considered "tops" and those considered "bottoms" will switch every other day.

7. Only 1998 back issues of Vanity Fair, W, Ocean Drive, YM, Genre, Vogue, and People magazine are allowed.

8. The only concert "Gay Survivors" are allowed to attend is the Diana Ross and Supremes reunion concert. (Cancelled? Too bad!)

9. Survivors are only allowed to change clothes three times a day.

10. The only video that can be played during the entire run is Barbara Streisand in "Yentl."

11. All underwear by CK disallowed; forced to wear polyester briefs from JC Penney.

12. Must be able to discuss in length every episode of the "Brady Brunch."

13. Ecstasy, grass, and Absolute NOT available; only alcohol allowed will be Pabst Blue Label beer.

14. Must be able to sing at a moments notice "I Got To Be Me."

15. "White Party" tickets will go on sale while you are on "Survivor"; not allowed to charge over the phone.

16. No catalogs from JCrew, International Male, Abercombrie & Fitch, Pottery Barn, or Bloomingdales allowed.

17. No time allowed to visit your hairdresser for a quick "highlight."

18. Can only go to the gym every other week.

19. You may NOT make it out of the show by Halloween.

20. No food from carry-out or delivery; no Diet Coke stockpiled in fridge; no soy milk substitute allowed, only whole milk.

21. Everyone is forced to do the Atkins diet every day.

22. Only one person a day is allowed to do Bette Davis "All About Eve" impersonations.

23. The word "Prada" cannot be mentioned under any circumstances.

24. An arched eyebrow may not be used to display shock, surprise, or skepticism.

Love,

Michael


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